IN THE QUIET
My child and I had a good relationship. We often talked about all sorts of things. He had such a tender heart and often shared that with me throughout the years. Yet I became quiet. Tears and quiet. That quiet hurt him. It was taken as if I was ignoring his “coming out” and what all that meant. It was taken as rejection. Here I was, my heart was hurting and I was hurting my child in the midst of that. I can’t even write that without tears. The things I know now, I wish I knew even before that day he “came out” as trans.
The tears. I believe this was the beginning for me in truly knowing God cares about my tears. I mean I knew it in my head, that’s what we were always told, but to experience it is totally different. I don’t have the words to adequately speak about this. I just know even to this day I can sit in my tears with Jesus, and He takes them every single time and does what needs to be done with them. He picks me up and we move on, together. Just as we did that week after “coming out”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
COMING OUT
There was more.
I carried the news of him coming out as trans by myself I think for about four months, maybe longer. Not even my husband knew. Then I outed my kid to my husband. That’s what I was told. My kid, and his counselor. I shouldn’t have done that…..their words. To this day, I don’t know if it was right or not. It is what it was, and we moved on. Though there was more to the coming out that came some time during those months.
I’M GAY
Those words were never used, but that’s how I saw them. My adult child had an online relationship with another transgender individual. Sex at birth: male, presenting as female. (MTF) For some reason, I allowed myself to feel a little safe with this news. Until the day I was told she was coming for a visit. She lived out of state and a visit was planned for mid-November, 2016.
You can see I use she. Sometime after my husband knew and the announcement of my child’s partner coming, the topic of preferred names and pronouns came up. I don’t remember much about that, except that I struggled with it. With the visit approaching we were told the importance of using the preferred names and preferred pronouns, for both of them.
Maybe now is a good time to talk just briefly about pronouns. Today we use “they” as my child’s preferred pronoun. I’ll share more on that later. Though out of respect for my child in continuing our story, I will use they as my child’s preferred pronoun. More later on my struggle in coming to that decision.
Coming up……….The visit; where I found help; and giving up control
Until then, just a few things God reminded me of during those months:
Isaiah 43:2-3a
When you pass through the waters,I will be with you:
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze
3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
Psalm 143:8 Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul